What is hope?
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines hope as "1: to desire with expectation of obtainment. 2: to expect with confidence."
Well, I hope for a lot of things. However, hope alone is not enough. Many things we hope for in life don't come to fruition. Hope is often a word used in place of I want.
To have hope, one has to have reason to expect the result they want. Personally, I hope for a number of things. I hope for a job. I hope my relationship issues end soon and well. I hope my living situation is resolved soon.
Am I doing enough to have hope that those things happen? I guess that's something I'm asking of myself these days. I had a long talk with J last night and, even if I didn't come away from that talk with any answers, I felt better about somethings. In J, I've got a friend whom I feel I can talk to about anything and, for anyone who doesn't have someone in their life like that (and I didn't for years), you're missing out on one of the greatest part of friendships because, friends like J, can give you reason to hope.
In the movie Shawshank Redemption, Red says to Andy "Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
If you're not will do something to what needs to be done to give yourself hope, it surely can drive you insane. However, for anyone who constantly strives for results, for the betterment of themselves or their lot in life, hope will carry them through the hardest of times.
I think of my friend, L, when I think this thought. I know L has been through quite a bit in life but seems to keep striving for things to be better. Putting family ahead of self desires. Definitely an example for me to follow and one which, when I take a long, hard look at, I fall short of at times.
In a letter to Red at the end of Shawshank Redemption, Andy writes "Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
Hope. As long as I have hope, I can keep going. I realize I have to do more but I have the desire, the love and support of family and friends, and I won't let hope die.
Hope, We Shot the Moon
Hope it's all that I have
The calm in the storm
Is right where I am
Inside of hope
It's all that I know
It's what I'm moved for
It's what I live for
Wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I'm ready to live
I'm ready to dream
I'm ready for fear, and love and everything between
Don't tell me I'm right
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Just tell me I'm strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I'm going for broke, but I've got hope
The sound it's all around
And we can be found
All in good time.
I'm forgiving yesterday
Wishing yesterday would forgive me, but I'll never see
So wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything
I'm ready to live
I'm ready to dream
I'm ready for fear, love and everything between
Don't tell me I'm right
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Just tell me I'm strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I'm going for broke, but I've got hope
I'm ready to live, I live for hope.
I'm ready to live, I live for hope.
I'm ready to live
I'm ready to dream
I'm ready for fear, love and everything between
Don't tell me I'm right
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Just tell me I'm strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I'm going for broke, but I've got hope
Yeah, I've got hope
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Promised Land
I had two thoughts while getting in my treadmill workout today.
The first was that my goal for the day was to get in two miles in 25 minutes. As I transitioned from my short walk for a warmup into a slow jog, I thought that back in high school I could run two miles on the track in under 11 minutes. Of course, that was 25 years ago and, even though I've droped 120 pounds, I'm still 85 pounds over my playing weight from back in the day.
Still, I found myself slowly plodding along. Carrying 260 pounds isn't easy on the legs and after about a mile and a quarter, I had to drop back to walking speed and only got in about 1.85 miles in 25 minutes. I walked until I hit the 30-minute mark and, all-in-all, it was a decent workout. I may even get back on tonight or even go out for a walk.
As I was plodding along, at one time thinking "One foot in front of the other," I came upon my second thought which was about where I'm at in life.
Anyone who has a job these days, I hope, is thankful. Anyone who is without one, like me, knows the frustration of trying to find one right now. The anxiety that goes with wondering if you can make it to your next paycheck, and wondering when and from where that paycheck is coming.
While I was pondering a lot of this, Bruce Springsteen's Promised Land came up on the playlist. Like name of the album from which the song comes, Darkness on the Edge of Town, I often feel like I'm in the dark these days but on the edge of something where there is light and hope.
I like to think, as Bruce wrote, "I've done my best to live the right way. I get up every morning and go to work each day." It's frustrating, to say the least and yes, "...your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold. Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode."
But, if there's one thing I pride myself on it's that I understand taking the long view of things and that, sometimes, you've got to keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other until you reach that goal.
It's a hard thing for anyone who has gone through a similar experience, or any experience in life which causes, angst, heartache, etc. However, without the will and determination to move on, you will never get to where you want to go.
And I keep telling myself that I believe in a Promised Land.
Promised Land, Bruce Springsteen
On a rattlesnake speedway in the Utah desert
I pick up my money and head back into town
Driving cross the Waynesboro county line
I got the radio on and I'm just killing time
Working all day in my daddy's garage
Driving all night chasing some mirage
Pretty soon little girl I'm gonna take charge
The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this whole town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start
The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
Well there's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
Well the dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land...
The first was that my goal for the day was to get in two miles in 25 minutes. As I transitioned from my short walk for a warmup into a slow jog, I thought that back in high school I could run two miles on the track in under 11 minutes. Of course, that was 25 years ago and, even though I've droped 120 pounds, I'm still 85 pounds over my playing weight from back in the day.
Still, I found myself slowly plodding along. Carrying 260 pounds isn't easy on the legs and after about a mile and a quarter, I had to drop back to walking speed and only got in about 1.85 miles in 25 minutes. I walked until I hit the 30-minute mark and, all-in-all, it was a decent workout. I may even get back on tonight or even go out for a walk.
As I was plodding along, at one time thinking "One foot in front of the other," I came upon my second thought which was about where I'm at in life.
Anyone who has a job these days, I hope, is thankful. Anyone who is without one, like me, knows the frustration of trying to find one right now. The anxiety that goes with wondering if you can make it to your next paycheck, and wondering when and from where that paycheck is coming.
While I was pondering a lot of this, Bruce Springsteen's Promised Land came up on the playlist. Like name of the album from which the song comes, Darkness on the Edge of Town, I often feel like I'm in the dark these days but on the edge of something where there is light and hope.
I like to think, as Bruce wrote, "I've done my best to live the right way. I get up every morning and go to work each day." It's frustrating, to say the least and yes, "...your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold. Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode."
But, if there's one thing I pride myself on it's that I understand taking the long view of things and that, sometimes, you've got to keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other until you reach that goal.
It's a hard thing for anyone who has gone through a similar experience, or any experience in life which causes, angst, heartache, etc. However, without the will and determination to move on, you will never get to where you want to go.
And I keep telling myself that I believe in a Promised Land.
Promised Land, Bruce Springsteen
On a rattlesnake speedway in the Utah desert
I pick up my money and head back into town
Driving cross the Waynesboro county line
I got the radio on and I'm just killing time
Working all day in my daddy's garage
Driving all night chasing some mirage
Pretty soon little girl I'm gonna take charge
The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this whole town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start
The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
Well there's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
Well the dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friendship
"The reward of friendship is itself. The man who hopes for anything else does not understand what true friendship is." -- St. Alfred of Rievaulx
"The way to make a true friend is to be one. Friendship implies loyalty, esteem, cordiality, sympathy, affection, readiness to aid, to help, to stick, to fight for, if need be.... Radiate friendship and it will return sevenfold." -- B.C. Forbes
"Friendship has splendor that love knows not. It grows stronger when crossed, whereas obstacles kill love. Friendship resists time, which wearies and severs couples. It has heights unknown to love." -- Mariama Ba
"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship." -- St. Thomas Aquinas
"True friendship ought never to conceal what it thinks." -- St. Jerome
"Friendship, like money, is a trust, a stewardship, a responsibility." -- William A. Ward
"I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship." -- Pietro Arentino
I like that last quote the best and I've used often over the years. However, it hasn't been until recently that I've delved into my friendships and what they really, deep down, mean to me.
I consider myself fortunate in that I seem to have quite a few friends who care a great deal about me. I've always considered myself the type of person who will be there for my friends, to lend them any help that I possibly can.
On the flip side of the coin, I am not one to reach out to my friends for help. In fact, I often shun help at times when I need it most and, at times, shut myself off the rest of the world, especially when I need help emotionally.
When it comes to the world of sports, which both my personal and professional life pretty much revolve around, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's not hard to tell what I'm thinking or what's going on with me when I'm on the field or at the arena.
However, away from the games, I tend to be much more reserved emotionally. I will always put on a smile and have a laugh ready, even on days when I'm pissed off or depressed.
Of late, I've found three of my friends, all women, to be of great help. Without a doubt, my closest friends are all guys. They've proven their friendship to me time and time again by being there for me when I've need it. However, talking about my problems with them is something I've never been comfortable about doing. Why is that? Well, the answers are probably many and varied. I've considered the reasons and realize, especially now, that most of them are irrational.
However, these three ladies, J, L and KB, have proven their friendship to me as well. They have taken the time to listen to me, to console me, to help me come up with some of the answers I'm looking for.
Is my mental frame of mind well these days? No, not really. Does it seem to be getting better? Marginally. J told me many months ago that every guy needs a female friend he can talk to and, especially now, I couldn't agree more.
Someday, once again, everything in my life will be moving in the right direction and all will be well. I'm not there yet but I'm confident I will be. I still need to work out some problems but I know I have some good people who will lend an ear, lend their heart, lend their caring and concern to help me find what I'm looking for and to get where I need to go.
To all my friends, I say thank you for all you do. To J, L and KB, what your inspiration, your caring and concern, your love and your friendship means to me is something I can never adequately thank you for. I'm sure I will be leaning on you more in near future and only hope that you can continue to support me. Please know, I will always be there to do the same.
"The way to make a true friend is to be one. Friendship implies loyalty, esteem, cordiality, sympathy, affection, readiness to aid, to help, to stick, to fight for, if need be.... Radiate friendship and it will return sevenfold." -- B.C. Forbes
"Friendship has splendor that love knows not. It grows stronger when crossed, whereas obstacles kill love. Friendship resists time, which wearies and severs couples. It has heights unknown to love." -- Mariama Ba
"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship." -- St. Thomas Aquinas
"True friendship ought never to conceal what it thinks." -- St. Jerome
"Friendship, like money, is a trust, a stewardship, a responsibility." -- William A. Ward
"I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship." -- Pietro Arentino
I like that last quote the best and I've used often over the years. However, it hasn't been until recently that I've delved into my friendships and what they really, deep down, mean to me.
I consider myself fortunate in that I seem to have quite a few friends who care a great deal about me. I've always considered myself the type of person who will be there for my friends, to lend them any help that I possibly can.
On the flip side of the coin, I am not one to reach out to my friends for help. In fact, I often shun help at times when I need it most and, at times, shut myself off the rest of the world, especially when I need help emotionally.
When it comes to the world of sports, which both my personal and professional life pretty much revolve around, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's not hard to tell what I'm thinking or what's going on with me when I'm on the field or at the arena.
However, away from the games, I tend to be much more reserved emotionally. I will always put on a smile and have a laugh ready, even on days when I'm pissed off or depressed.
Of late, I've found three of my friends, all women, to be of great help. Without a doubt, my closest friends are all guys. They've proven their friendship to me time and time again by being there for me when I've need it. However, talking about my problems with them is something I've never been comfortable about doing. Why is that? Well, the answers are probably many and varied. I've considered the reasons and realize, especially now, that most of them are irrational.
However, these three ladies, J, L and KB, have proven their friendship to me as well. They have taken the time to listen to me, to console me, to help me come up with some of the answers I'm looking for.
Is my mental frame of mind well these days? No, not really. Does it seem to be getting better? Marginally. J told me many months ago that every guy needs a female friend he can talk to and, especially now, I couldn't agree more.
Someday, once again, everything in my life will be moving in the right direction and all will be well. I'm not there yet but I'm confident I will be. I still need to work out some problems but I know I have some good people who will lend an ear, lend their heart, lend their caring and concern to help me find what I'm looking for and to get where I need to go.
To all my friends, I say thank you for all you do. To J, L and KB, what your inspiration, your caring and concern, your love and your friendship means to me is something I can never adequately thank you for. I'm sure I will be leaning on you more in near future and only hope that you can continue to support me. Please know, I will always be there to do the same.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Finding Answers
I've been writing this blog to get some of my thoughts out and hoping to spur my writing in my personal journal. I'm looking for some answers and think I'm finally finding some.
I got a call from a friend of mine last night who knew I was struggling with some issues. I've told this friend before that their thoughts often make me contemplate things that I don't otherwise think about. I told this friend a number of things I was struggling with last night but not one of my major issues, because it concerned this friend.
When I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good and had some ideas for my journal. As I began writing and editing some previous thoughts, a few answers started to come to me.
I don't feel better about where I'm at right now, but I feel better about where I'm going, because I think I know what I have to do and on what I have to focus.
Even if no one reads what I have to say, I'm finding it a cathartic exercise because it gets me thinking. I've said before that I realize I overthink things at times, but sometimes you have to dig deep to come up with answers and this is one of those times. I realize that when I start going in a downward spiral, it's time to stop thinking and move on to something else and, when I start coming up with ideas and answers, it's time to focus and delve deeper into what I'm doing.
In any case, I have a friend to thank for a talk last night that has made today, and my outlook on tomorrow, better.
Thanks!
Better Days, Bruce Springsteen
Well my soul checked out missing as I sat listening
To the hours and minutes tickin' away
Yeah, just sittin' around waitin' for my life to begin
While it was all just slippin' away.
I'm tired of waitin' for tomorrow to come
Or that train to come roarin' 'round the bend
I got a new suit of clothes a pretty red rose
And a woman I can call my friend
These are better days baby
Yeah there's better days shining through
These are better days baby
Better days with a girl like you
Well I took a piss at fortune's sweet kiss
It's like eatin' caviar and dirt
It's a sad funny ending to find yourself pretending
A rich man in a poor man's shirt
Now my ass was draggin' when from a passin' gypsy wagon
Your heart like a diamond shone
Tonight I'm layin' in your arms carvin' lucky charms
Out of these heard luck bones
These are better days baby
These are better days it's true
These are better days
There's better days shining through
Now a life of leisure and a pirate's treasure
Don't make much for tragedy
But it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin
And can't stand the company
Every fool's got a reason to feelin' sorry for himself
And turn his heart to stone
Tonight this fool's halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell
And I feel like I'm comin' home
These are better days baby
There's better days shining through
These are better days
Better days with a girl like you
These are better days baby
These are better days it's true
These are better days
Better days are shining through
I got a call from a friend of mine last night who knew I was struggling with some issues. I've told this friend before that their thoughts often make me contemplate things that I don't otherwise think about. I told this friend a number of things I was struggling with last night but not one of my major issues, because it concerned this friend.
When I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good and had some ideas for my journal. As I began writing and editing some previous thoughts, a few answers started to come to me.
I don't feel better about where I'm at right now, but I feel better about where I'm going, because I think I know what I have to do and on what I have to focus.
Even if no one reads what I have to say, I'm finding it a cathartic exercise because it gets me thinking. I've said before that I realize I overthink things at times, but sometimes you have to dig deep to come up with answers and this is one of those times. I realize that when I start going in a downward spiral, it's time to stop thinking and move on to something else and, when I start coming up with ideas and answers, it's time to focus and delve deeper into what I'm doing.
In any case, I have a friend to thank for a talk last night that has made today, and my outlook on tomorrow, better.
Thanks!
Better Days, Bruce Springsteen
Well my soul checked out missing as I sat listening
To the hours and minutes tickin' away
Yeah, just sittin' around waitin' for my life to begin
While it was all just slippin' away.
I'm tired of waitin' for tomorrow to come
Or that train to come roarin' 'round the bend
I got a new suit of clothes a pretty red rose
And a woman I can call my friend
These are better days baby
Yeah there's better days shining through
These are better days baby
Better days with a girl like you
Well I took a piss at fortune's sweet kiss
It's like eatin' caviar and dirt
It's a sad funny ending to find yourself pretending
A rich man in a poor man's shirt
Now my ass was draggin' when from a passin' gypsy wagon
Your heart like a diamond shone
Tonight I'm layin' in your arms carvin' lucky charms
Out of these heard luck bones
These are better days baby
These are better days it's true
These are better days
There's better days shining through
Now a life of leisure and a pirate's treasure
Don't make much for tragedy
But it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin
And can't stand the company
Every fool's got a reason to feelin' sorry for himself
And turn his heart to stone
Tonight this fool's halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell
And I feel like I'm comin' home
These are better days baby
There's better days shining through
These are better days
Better days with a girl like you
These are better days baby
These are better days it's true
These are better days
Better days are shining through
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A Long Way
I was just looking at my "Portraits of Self" photo album on my Facebook page. The first photo in the album is my mug shot from my first year working with College Hockey America in 2003. It's followed by one from 2006 and another in 2007.
In those years I weighed anywhere from 350-380. The other day, I got on the scale and it read 267 and that was fully clothed and at the end of the day. In reality, when I look at the last picture in that album, which was taken today, I realize how far I've come.
It's not been easy, when I think about it, but I really didn't think much about it along the way. However, 380 pounds, which was only two years ago, seems like a long time ago.
I'm proud of what I've done and how I've done it. I haven't used any programs, any fad diets, I've done it on my own, through hard work and will power. I'm not always good, as a friend of mine pointed out recently (and that friend wasn't being mean, that friend was showing what I believe was a genuine concern), but, in the sum, I've been pretty good. Maybe not great, but good.
I've put effort into it by working out more over the last eight months. It felt good when my baseball players not only encouraged me, but some would often come out to run with me. Most made sure I knew that they were impressed to see me doing what I was doing and, if inspiring others is part of what I'm doing, then so much the better.
I also look at how far I've come, personally, in the last year, 10 months really. That same friend who questioned my some of my choices and habits, has changed me a great deal. In a few ways, in ways I'm not sure if I like. In a lot of ways, I've been changed for the better. I try to think about things more begore I say or do something. I wrote in an earlier blog about how this, at times, handicaps me. However, I think it's been good for my temper because I do stop before taking action, which in some cases may be ill-advised.
I've come a long way in a short time. I'm still not where I need to go but I'm on a journey. What's a the end of that journey remains to be seen but, so far, the trip has been good and will, hopefully, get better.
In those years I weighed anywhere from 350-380. The other day, I got on the scale and it read 267 and that was fully clothed and at the end of the day. In reality, when I look at the last picture in that album, which was taken today, I realize how far I've come.
It's not been easy, when I think about it, but I really didn't think much about it along the way. However, 380 pounds, which was only two years ago, seems like a long time ago.
I'm proud of what I've done and how I've done it. I haven't used any programs, any fad diets, I've done it on my own, through hard work and will power. I'm not always good, as a friend of mine pointed out recently (and that friend wasn't being mean, that friend was showing what I believe was a genuine concern), but, in the sum, I've been pretty good. Maybe not great, but good.
I've put effort into it by working out more over the last eight months. It felt good when my baseball players not only encouraged me, but some would often come out to run with me. Most made sure I knew that they were impressed to see me doing what I was doing and, if inspiring others is part of what I'm doing, then so much the better.
I also look at how far I've come, personally, in the last year, 10 months really. That same friend who questioned my some of my choices and habits, has changed me a great deal. In a few ways, in ways I'm not sure if I like. In a lot of ways, I've been changed for the better. I try to think about things more begore I say or do something. I wrote in an earlier blog about how this, at times, handicaps me. However, I think it's been good for my temper because I do stop before taking action, which in some cases may be ill-advised.
I've come a long way in a short time. I'm still not where I need to go but I'm on a journey. What's a the end of that journey remains to be seen but, so far, the trip has been good and will, hopefully, get better.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Here's to Today
"I walked in today at 7 o'clock in the morning and saw the dew on the outfield grass and, you know, man, there's nothing like a baseball field when no one's on it. It's like such a peaceful sight. You can't forget these times."
Kevin Millar of the Boston Red Sox made that statement and I find it hard to argue. I love baseball and today I get to see my first games of the year. Now Kevin might not have made that statement had the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome been his home field instead of Fenway Park, but the Dome allows teams here in Minnesota to start playing games in early February.
Today, I go to see St. Cloud State, which features one of my former players. I always enjoy seeing guys whom I worked with move on to play at the next level and BK has done OK with the Huskies. He was second on the team in appearances last season, had an 0.96 earned run average and, this season, is expected to be the team's closer.
I'm making myself a promise to lay off the licorice this baseball. Normally, you can find me with Twizzlers and sunflower seeds at a ball game. After stepping on the scale last night, and being pleasantly surprised that I was down to 267, it would pain me to go back to my old bad habits. For those of you who think 267 is pretty heavy; you're right, it is. However, it's also about 110 pounds less than what I weighed two years ago and about 70 pounds less than what I weighed just one year ago.
Baseball was good to me in that respect last year in that I had an outlet for exercising and motivation to keep after what I was doing. When I started running foul poles before and after games last season, some of our pitchers started running with me and the players all encouraged me. It's no wonder why last year's baseball team was one of my favorites, in any sport, to work with.
So, as it approaches 6 a.m., I find myself wide awake and ready to go. I'll also go see some hockey later in the day and get to see my sister, brother-in-law and niece tonight so it will be a good day. With the other stresses going on in life right now, this day is one that is needed and will be appreciated.
Kevin Millar of the Boston Red Sox made that statement and I find it hard to argue. I love baseball and today I get to see my first games of the year. Now Kevin might not have made that statement had the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome been his home field instead of Fenway Park, but the Dome allows teams here in Minnesota to start playing games in early February.
Today, I go to see St. Cloud State, which features one of my former players. I always enjoy seeing guys whom I worked with move on to play at the next level and BK has done OK with the Huskies. He was second on the team in appearances last season, had an 0.96 earned run average and, this season, is expected to be the team's closer.
I'm making myself a promise to lay off the licorice this baseball. Normally, you can find me with Twizzlers and sunflower seeds at a ball game. After stepping on the scale last night, and being pleasantly surprised that I was down to 267, it would pain me to go back to my old bad habits. For those of you who think 267 is pretty heavy; you're right, it is. However, it's also about 110 pounds less than what I weighed two years ago and about 70 pounds less than what I weighed just one year ago.
Baseball was good to me in that respect last year in that I had an outlet for exercising and motivation to keep after what I was doing. When I started running foul poles before and after games last season, some of our pitchers started running with me and the players all encouraged me. It's no wonder why last year's baseball team was one of my favorites, in any sport, to work with.
So, as it approaches 6 a.m., I find myself wide awake and ready to go. I'll also go see some hockey later in the day and get to see my sister, brother-in-law and niece tonight so it will be a good day. With the other stresses going on in life right now, this day is one that is needed and will be appreciated.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Implications
A friend of mine recently pointed out that I worry about too much before anything actually happens. I don't deny that. At the same time, I believe in being prepared for any and all eventualities, so I don't consider a bad thing. The way she said it to me, however, and a couple of other things she said were hurtful which, considering that I consider her a close friend and love her dearly, made it that much worse.
But I also have to take into account what, I think, she meant. Sometimes I let this thoughts occupy too much of my time to the point it handicaps me. I think "Am I making the right decision."
I guess, in a lot of situations, I'm out of my element. Put me on the baseball field, behind the hockey bench, in the press box, what have you, and I'll pull the trigger on a decision quicker than I would on a turkey picking through a pile of cow manure for corn at 20 yards. Believe me, it's pretty quick.
In the world of sports, I am in my element. Right or wrong, I'll make a decision because I'm rarely present with a situation I'm unfamiliar or uncomfortable with.
Yet, I often find myself over-analyzing a lot of other decisions these days in everyday life. I'm pondering questions and looking for answers that I can't seem to find and don't want to wait for them to come. I want to pull the trigger and do some things and say some things that may or may not be the right things.
I guess I'll have to wait for the answers and rely, as I always have, on my friends to catch me if I fall for, even though I often feel alone in this world, I know my friends are there for me.
Overkill (Colin Hay)
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
But I also have to take into account what, I think, she meant. Sometimes I let this thoughts occupy too much of my time to the point it handicaps me. I think "Am I making the right decision."
I guess, in a lot of situations, I'm out of my element. Put me on the baseball field, behind the hockey bench, in the press box, what have you, and I'll pull the trigger on a decision quicker than I would on a turkey picking through a pile of cow manure for corn at 20 yards. Believe me, it's pretty quick.
In the world of sports, I am in my element. Right or wrong, I'll make a decision because I'm rarely present with a situation I'm unfamiliar or uncomfortable with.
Yet, I often find myself over-analyzing a lot of other decisions these days in everyday life. I'm pondering questions and looking for answers that I can't seem to find and don't want to wait for them to come. I want to pull the trigger and do some things and say some things that may or may not be the right things.
I guess I'll have to wait for the answers and rely, as I always have, on my friends to catch me if I fall for, even though I often feel alone in this world, I know my friends are there for me.
Overkill (Colin Hay)
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Good News, Bad News
I guess I have to start with the bad news. I received a rejection letter regarding a job I really thought I had a chance to at least get an interview for. In the letter, I was told they had received 35 applications. I'm a little pissed. I've done contract and freelance work for this place and that work has often been lauded the staff and by media members who use those services that I have helped provide.
The job hunt, which has really been going on for three years now, is frustrating. I can't help but wonder how much of it is the economy and how much is me. With the vast majority of my experience in athletic media relations and communications, I seem to be looked down upon by many HR people and head hunters when I look for work in the corporate world. Last spring, ene hiring manager told me that all my work in athletics really didn't fit their needs.
I asked what the job entailed. It was all stuff I have done over the past 20 years but, because it was athletics, it was different. Mind you, this was for a job with a high school. I've worked with high schools and/or colleges since 1986. I asked what background some of the other people had and, not surprisingly, they came from the corporate world. Only one had ever worked with a school. I brought this up, that I had worked in an education system but it was to no avail.
I got a good pep talk about this from my buddy, The Kicker, who's done OK for himself. I hadn't seen him in about a decade but reconnected with him via Facebook. We had lunch as I was passing through his town and we came upon this subject, one which he quickly warmed to.
He said "The next time that comes up ask them why they wouldn't want us (he was an All-American kicker on the football team in college). We know what it takes to be part of a team, how to work with others to succeed. We know how to put that team together and make it successful. We know this better than anyone else because we've lived it and then you ask them why they would want anyone else." Well, that my not be the exact quote, it was three months ago, but it's the essence of what he said.
I don't like to brag but I can say I know about success. I own three national championship rings from college and have been a part of championship teams/organizations as an athlete, coach and administrator. The Kicker picked me up that day and I'm still keeping that thought in mind.
The good news of the day is that I channeled this disappointment, along with some other issues, into a great workout on the treadmill. Again, this is where music helps me a lot. I've put together a playlist of songs for my running and my only concern is that I get so pumped that I start outpacing myself. At 280 pounds, and just getting back into a workout routine after about six weeks off, my legs are a little sore right now but tomorrow I walk and do some core strength conditioning so I'll recover.
I end this blog with a few lines from Cold Play's Speed of Sound:
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
The job hunt, which has really been going on for three years now, is frustrating. I can't help but wonder how much of it is the economy and how much is me. With the vast majority of my experience in athletic media relations and communications, I seem to be looked down upon by many HR people and head hunters when I look for work in the corporate world. Last spring, ene hiring manager told me that all my work in athletics really didn't fit their needs.
I asked what the job entailed. It was all stuff I have done over the past 20 years but, because it was athletics, it was different. Mind you, this was for a job with a high school. I've worked with high schools and/or colleges since 1986. I asked what background some of the other people had and, not surprisingly, they came from the corporate world. Only one had ever worked with a school. I brought this up, that I had worked in an education system but it was to no avail.
I got a good pep talk about this from my buddy, The Kicker, who's done OK for himself. I hadn't seen him in about a decade but reconnected with him via Facebook. We had lunch as I was passing through his town and we came upon this subject, one which he quickly warmed to.
He said "The next time that comes up ask them why they wouldn't want us (he was an All-American kicker on the football team in college). We know what it takes to be part of a team, how to work with others to succeed. We know how to put that team together and make it successful. We know this better than anyone else because we've lived it and then you ask them why they would want anyone else." Well, that my not be the exact quote, it was three months ago, but it's the essence of what he said.
I don't like to brag but I can say I know about success. I own three national championship rings from college and have been a part of championship teams/organizations as an athlete, coach and administrator. The Kicker picked me up that day and I'm still keeping that thought in mind.
The good news of the day is that I channeled this disappointment, along with some other issues, into a great workout on the treadmill. Again, this is where music helps me a lot. I've put together a playlist of songs for my running and my only concern is that I get so pumped that I start outpacing myself. At 280 pounds, and just getting back into a workout routine after about six weeks off, my legs are a little sore right now but tomorrow I walk and do some core strength conditioning so I'll recover.
I end this blog with a few lines from Cold Play's Speed of Sound:
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
Inspirations
I was just reading the early blog posts from my friend who inspired me to start this blog. I have to say that I wish I could put myself out there like my friend. I feel a lot of the same things, have many similar fears and feel anxious about what the future holds. My friend and I are both committed to blogging right now and I hope we both continue on a regular basis, even if it's not on a daily basis, at least regular enough to examine our feelings and find what we are looking for in our lives.
Other than a regular job, I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now and, in part, I decided to start blogging in hopes of finding some answers for myself. Whether that will come to fruition remains to be seen. However, hope springs eternal.
I'm not a creative writer, something my friend is and I wish I could be. My writing style is very technical in nature and, to that extent, I'm looking for inspiration. My friend has inspired me to start writing, well, at least blogging. I have 14 pages of what amounts to a journal just working on one issue in my life. It may help resolve some other issues but the main focus takes up much of my thoughts. My friend could probably help me sort through that main issue but this friend has other issues of greater importance than my problems. If anyone ever sees my journal, it would be L, because L would understand.
I've always worked through my own problems and, for many years it was easier to do knowing I had my mom for support. She couldn't give my sisters and I everything we wanted, but she gave us what we needed. I cannot image a kinder, gentler or more caring person than her. Since my mom passed, I can reflect and see that I've had greater problems dealing with my issues but none more so than in recent months. I had never visited her grave, after her passing just over nine years ago, until this past year. I've been there three times and all three times I've cried, but come away feeling better. She, too, is an inspiration and still an influence.
So, to my mother, thank you for all you ever did for me. You did a great job of raising three kids and I don't think I ever told you how much I truly loved you and admired you for what you did.
To L, I hope to see you again soon. I'm finding that I feel a lot of what you have felt over the years and exploring those feelings may help. Reading your outpourings of feelings is cathartic and I really hope we can, someday, discuss these things at length. I now feel like I'm on a journey. Where it will lead, where it will take me and where it will end are all unknowns. But I'm on my way.
I need some music right now. This is a song that, after seeing my mom for the last time, I listened to over and over for two-plus hours on the drive home. It speaks to me of how hard it is to say goodbye.
http://www.last.fm/music/John+Mellencamp/_/Farewell+Angelina
In the upper right corner of this page is a tool bar and you can press the play button to listen to the song. To my knowledge, no video of it is available.
Other than a regular job, I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now and, in part, I decided to start blogging in hopes of finding some answers for myself. Whether that will come to fruition remains to be seen. However, hope springs eternal.
I'm not a creative writer, something my friend is and I wish I could be. My writing style is very technical in nature and, to that extent, I'm looking for inspiration. My friend has inspired me to start writing, well, at least blogging. I have 14 pages of what amounts to a journal just working on one issue in my life. It may help resolve some other issues but the main focus takes up much of my thoughts. My friend could probably help me sort through that main issue but this friend has other issues of greater importance than my problems. If anyone ever sees my journal, it would be L, because L would understand.
I've always worked through my own problems and, for many years it was easier to do knowing I had my mom for support. She couldn't give my sisters and I everything we wanted, but she gave us what we needed. I cannot image a kinder, gentler or more caring person than her. Since my mom passed, I can reflect and see that I've had greater problems dealing with my issues but none more so than in recent months. I had never visited her grave, after her passing just over nine years ago, until this past year. I've been there three times and all three times I've cried, but come away feeling better. She, too, is an inspiration and still an influence.
So, to my mother, thank you for all you ever did for me. You did a great job of raising three kids and I don't think I ever told you how much I truly loved you and admired you for what you did.
To L, I hope to see you again soon. I'm finding that I feel a lot of what you have felt over the years and exploring those feelings may help. Reading your outpourings of feelings is cathartic and I really hope we can, someday, discuss these things at length. I now feel like I'm on a journey. Where it will lead, where it will take me and where it will end are all unknowns. But I'm on my way.
I need some music right now. This is a song that, after seeing my mom for the last time, I listened to over and over for two-plus hours on the drive home. It speaks to me of how hard it is to say goodbye.
http://www.last.fm/music/John+Mellencamp/_/Farewell+Angelina
In the upper right corner of this page is a tool bar and you can press the play button to listen to the song. To my knowledge, no video of it is available.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Teaching and Touching a Life
When I went into the kitchen this morning, I noticed a magnet on the refrigerator. It's an apple which says "To teach is to touch a life forever."
Since I work with high school sports, and my entire adult life has been working with either high school or collegiate athletics, I obviously come in contact with a lot of young people. Seeing that magnet made me reflect.
Recently, one of my former baseball players called me to talk about transferring schools. He is a sophomore in college this year and hates the school he's attending, but loves his team and his teammates. The college he's at is a small liberal arts college where I always thought he would struggle to fit in. The school attracts kids from all over the country but not a lot of locals and I knew he wouldn't have a lot in common with the majority of the other students. However, it's kind of a family thing for him to attend this school and, academically, it has a great reputation.
In any case, he wanted my advice on what to do. We talked for about 30 minutes and we've spoken and chatted on Facebook book a few other times about this. I was visiting with a friend when he called and, after he and I said goodbye and that we'd talk again, I sat down with my friend and was asked about the conversation.
I told my friend what was going on and about the advice I had given. During our conversation, we got around to why he was coming to me for advice. Well, the easy answer was that he knows I've been around college sports, understand transfer rules and know the coaches at his current school and the school to which he is looking to transfer. However, I also realize he's coming to me for advice because he trusts and respects me. I can only hope that my advice helps. It's obvious that, at least in a small way, I've touched his life.
This train of thought has also made me think of one other student-athlete whom I coached in hockey and baseball almost 20 years ago. When I first got to the school in the fall of 1990, I asked about the big defenseman we had and was told if he didn't make the team it would be because he was trouble off the ice. He had been in a boys boot camp and had troubles both within and without the school.
As far as I was concerned, he had a clean slate with me. Admittedly, I would probably tolerate a lot less from him than others but I took him on with an open mind. Over the two years (his sophomore and junior years) I worked with him, I had few problems with him. He had a temper which he needed to control, which I could relate to, but I was able to relate with him on his level when I needed to, and on my level when I needed to. There were times I ripped the kid up and down, and times when I sat him down and told him calmly and patiently why what he did was wrong. I also felt that I treated him fairly and honestly.
Seven or eight years later, I ran into him at a hockey game. I was happy to see him and happier to hear that he had a job he liked, a wife and kid, and that he seemed happy with his life. We joked around for a while and then he got serious and told me that I was the only person during high school who had showed any interest in helping him. He said that even when I yelled at him, it was different from others in that I always seemed to have a point to make. He told me without sports, he probably would have dropped out of school but that I gave him a chance that no one else probably would have, and he told me that had a lasting effect on him.
I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of more than just those two, and I'm friends with kids I coached when I was in my early to mid 20's, who are really only seven or eight years younger than I. But, at times when things in my life aren't going as well as I would like, I can think back on things like this and realize that, yes, I've touched a life in a positive and lasting manner.
The feeling I get, knowing I've done something good, is a great reward. For the rest of today, at least, I will carry that feeling and hope I can do more.
Since I work with high school sports, and my entire adult life has been working with either high school or collegiate athletics, I obviously come in contact with a lot of young people. Seeing that magnet made me reflect.
Recently, one of my former baseball players called me to talk about transferring schools. He is a sophomore in college this year and hates the school he's attending, but loves his team and his teammates. The college he's at is a small liberal arts college where I always thought he would struggle to fit in. The school attracts kids from all over the country but not a lot of locals and I knew he wouldn't have a lot in common with the majority of the other students. However, it's kind of a family thing for him to attend this school and, academically, it has a great reputation.
In any case, he wanted my advice on what to do. We talked for about 30 minutes and we've spoken and chatted on Facebook book a few other times about this. I was visiting with a friend when he called and, after he and I said goodbye and that we'd talk again, I sat down with my friend and was asked about the conversation.
I told my friend what was going on and about the advice I had given. During our conversation, we got around to why he was coming to me for advice. Well, the easy answer was that he knows I've been around college sports, understand transfer rules and know the coaches at his current school and the school to which he is looking to transfer. However, I also realize he's coming to me for advice because he trusts and respects me. I can only hope that my advice helps. It's obvious that, at least in a small way, I've touched his life.
This train of thought has also made me think of one other student-athlete whom I coached in hockey and baseball almost 20 years ago. When I first got to the school in the fall of 1990, I asked about the big defenseman we had and was told if he didn't make the team it would be because he was trouble off the ice. He had been in a boys boot camp and had troubles both within and without the school.
As far as I was concerned, he had a clean slate with me. Admittedly, I would probably tolerate a lot less from him than others but I took him on with an open mind. Over the two years (his sophomore and junior years) I worked with him, I had few problems with him. He had a temper which he needed to control, which I could relate to, but I was able to relate with him on his level when I needed to, and on my level when I needed to. There were times I ripped the kid up and down, and times when I sat him down and told him calmly and patiently why what he did was wrong. I also felt that I treated him fairly and honestly.
Seven or eight years later, I ran into him at a hockey game. I was happy to see him and happier to hear that he had a job he liked, a wife and kid, and that he seemed happy with his life. We joked around for a while and then he got serious and told me that I was the only person during high school who had showed any interest in helping him. He said that even when I yelled at him, it was different from others in that I always seemed to have a point to make. He told me without sports, he probably would have dropped out of school but that I gave him a chance that no one else probably would have, and he told me that had a lasting effect on him.
I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of more than just those two, and I'm friends with kids I coached when I was in my early to mid 20's, who are really only seven or eight years younger than I. But, at times when things in my life aren't going as well as I would like, I can think back on things like this and realize that, yes, I've touched a life in a positive and lasting manner.
The feeling I get, knowing I've done something good, is a great reward. For the rest of today, at least, I will carry that feeling and hope I can do more.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
It's a Start
I need to thank my friend from Pennsylvania for getting me started on this. I've been doing some writing lately just to help resolve some issues I'm having and it seems to have helped, even if I don't quite have any answers yet.
However, I've always been a writer, mostly of sports, and I enjoy it. This will be a new type of writing. I've become a Facebook (Crackbook, as some of us call it) addict and it's a great way to keep in touch with friends and I've reconnected with many people who had fallen out of my life.
Facebook, though, doesn't really allow for you to expound much on your thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc., whereas a blog does. After reading my friend's first blog post in two years, I thought, I should do this too.
In the past 18 months, I've dropped 100 pounds and some of that was due to a mutual friend of ours who made me realize that the only reason I wasn't taking better care of myself was because it was easy to make excuses. These two wonderful ladies are people I've reconnected with via Facebook and their influences on me have been great. I cannot thank them enough for their friendship and their concern and core for me.
With that said, I'll give you my two cents (if it's worth that much) and hope that, at times, it will make you think about things, or at least bring a smile or a laugh to your day.
However, I've always been a writer, mostly of sports, and I enjoy it. This will be a new type of writing. I've become a Facebook (Crackbook, as some of us call it) addict and it's a great way to keep in touch with friends and I've reconnected with many people who had fallen out of my life.
Facebook, though, doesn't really allow for you to expound much on your thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc., whereas a blog does. After reading my friend's first blog post in two years, I thought, I should do this too.
In the past 18 months, I've dropped 100 pounds and some of that was due to a mutual friend of ours who made me realize that the only reason I wasn't taking better care of myself was because it was easy to make excuses. These two wonderful ladies are people I've reconnected with via Facebook and their influences on me have been great. I cannot thank them enough for their friendship and their concern and core for me.
With that said, I'll give you my two cents (if it's worth that much) and hope that, at times, it will make you think about things, or at least bring a smile or a laugh to your day.
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