My Two Cents (if it's worth that much)

She was a friend to me when I needed one

2011-03-04T19:52:00.008-06:00

Great opening line to a great song by Jackson Browne and something to which I'm really relating to right now.

I've finally found a job. I haven't had a full-time job (at least a paying, full-time job) for nearly four years and it's been very stressful and trying at times.

I'm very fortunate to have some great friends who have carried me through these times. Joe and Bob are the best friends I have and have been for many years. Some of the things they've done for me, they realize how much it means. Many of the things they've done for me I don't think they do.

Both have families and I feel very much a part of their families. I've know their kids and their pets all their lives. I follow what their kids do and take pride in the things they do well.

Last year, Bob's son drew a picture of his family tree and it included me. Two weeks ago, I stayed with Bob's entire family following his father's funeral. When Bob's wife was getting the kids ready to go, their four-year old daughter announced she wasn't going because she was coming home with me.

A few weeks earlier, I was at the funeral of another friend's father and I got to revisit many friends, including my fishing partner, Marko, and Boli, who's fathered had passed away after a bout with ALS. Although it was a sad occassion, it was also a celebration of Boli's dad's life and it was great to be with those friends and family. That was true of both funerals.

Those four guys are as close to me as my own family and they, and their families, mean the world to me.

One person who really came into my life a couple of years ago is J. Although we've know each other for many years, J and I really hit it off a couple of years ago and have become really good friends since then.

I stayed with J when I went to Boli's father's funeral. I was there to see the Packers in the NFC wildcard and championship games, as well as on my birthday, at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Without my mom, I really don't feel like I have a home any longer but J's house has become a place where I've been able to retreat to and spend some time by myself. The relaxation, mentally, I get there has been wonderfully refreshing and something I don't think I can ever explain to anyone how much it has meant to me. J has looked after me and cared for me when I need it most.

I cannot thank her enough nor ever even attempt to repay what her friendship has meant to me over the last two years. She really was a friend to me when I needed one, and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her.

That Girl Could Sing
Jackson Browne

She was a friend to me when I needed one
Wasn't for her I don't know what I'd done
She gave me back something that was missing in me

She could have turned out to be almost anyone
Almost anyone, with the possible exception
Of who I wanted her to be

Running into the midnight with her clothes whipping in the wind
Reaching into the heart of the darkness for the tenderness within
Stumblin' into the lights of the city and then back in the shadows again
Hanging onto the laughter that each of us hid our unhappiness in

Talk about celestial bodies
And your angels on the wing
She wasn't much good at stickin' around
But that girl could sing, she could sing

In the dead of night she could shine a light
On some places that you've never been
In that kind of light you could lose your sight
And believe there was something to win

You could hold her tight with all your might
But she'd slip through your arms like the wind
and be back in flight back into the night
Where you might never see her again

The longer I thought I might find her
The shorter my vision became
Running in circles behind her
And thinking in terms of the blame

But she couldn't have been any kinder
If she'd come back and tried to explain

She wasn't much good at saying goodbye
But that girl was sane

It's not supposed to be easy

2010-09-28T17:21:00.006-05:00

My thoughts often evolve (or devolve, in some cases) from a totally unrelated matter. The last couple of days on my runs, my thoughts have come down, at the end, to how hard it is to finish my runs and why I do it.

Although for many, a two-mile run is pretty simple, when you're still carrying 255 pounds, it's not. But, I look at the work and time I've put into taking off over 125 pounds and I've come a long ways. It hasn't always been easy.

Still, as I was struggling on my run yesterday, I got to thinking about how easy it would be to quit and just get in a good, long walk. I couldn't get loose and, just a half-mile into the run, I was already feeling tight. However, I thought about how winning and losing are habitual and I hate losing. Quitting is losing.

I've been fortunate to be part of some highly successful programs. From a state championship in football in high school, to a pair of national championship in hockey in college to another national hockey championship as a staff member, I've seen and experienced what it takes to be successful.

Vince Lombardi was right when he said "Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing."

When you quit, it becomes easier each time. I've found this out. I've tried working to lose weight before and given it up. This time, I just decided to go back to what I had learned before, that it takes work to achieve your goals and it's not easy. But the end result is worth all you've done.

If lifting, running, etc., was easy, it would probably be called a funout instead of a workout and obesity in this country wouldn't be the problem that it has become. I learned a long time ago that nothing worth having comes easy, but there's a definite reward of self-satisfaction when it finally comes.

It feels great to hear the compliments I get from people who knew me two-plus years ago and can see how far I've come. However, the feeling I get from knowing that I've done it on my own is the best feeling.

I've made my choices in life. Some good, some bad but all my own and I'll live with them. In the words of John Mellencamp, "This is my life, it's what I've chosen to do. There's no free rides, no one said it'd be easy."

The hard times, the struggles and the work we do helps us to enjoy our successes and the good times that much more. I've learned many lessons the hard way but I've learned them, worked at them and can appreciate things more because of what I've gone through.

Minutes to Memories
John Mellencamp
On a greyhound thirty miles beyond Jamestown
He saw the sun set on the Tennessee line
He looked at the young man who was riding beside him
He said I’m old kind of worn out inside
I worked my whole life in the steel mills of Gary
And my father before me I helped build this land
Now I’m seventy-seven and with God as my witness
I earned every dollar that passed through my hands
My family and friends are the best things I’ve known
Through the eye of the needle I’ll carry them home

Days turn to minutes and minutes to memories
Life sweeps away the dreams that we had planned
You are young and you are the future
So suck it up and tough it out and be the best you can

The rain hit the old dog in the twilight’s last gleaming
He said son it sounds like rattling old bones
This highway is long but I’ve know some that are longer
By sunup tomorrow I guess I’ll be home
Through the hills of Kentucky ‘cross the Ohio River
The old man kept talking about his life and his times
He fell asleep with his head against the window
He said an honest man’s pillow is his peace of mind
This world offers riches and riches will grow wings
And I don’t take stock in those uncertain things

Days turn to minutes and minutes to memories
Life sweeps away the dreams that we had planned
You are young and you are the future
So suck it up and tough it out and be the best you can

The old man had a vision but it was hard for me to follow
I do things my way and I pay a high price
When I think back on the old man and the bus ride
Now that I’m older I can see he was right

Another hot one out on highway eleven
This is my life it’s what I’ve chosen to do
There’s no free rides no one said it’d be easy
The old man told me this my son I’m telling it to you

Days turn to minutes and minutes to memories
Life sweeps away the dreams that we had planned
You are young and you are the future
So suck it up and tough it out and be the best you can

Friday night lights

2010-09-10T22:26:00.002-05:00

As I sit here at J.J.'s Clubhouse in St. Louis Park, following a 56-6 football loss to Totino-Grace, arguably the best high school team in Minnesota this year, I think about how much Friday's mean to me.

Since I've been working with Benilde-St. Margaret's football, which I have since the fall of 2006, Friday's are a hard day for me to get anything accomplished because I look forward to the game that night.

I'm fortunate. We've got a great staff and, as were are now, we always adjourn to the local tavern after the game and, win or lose, we always have some laughs.

(Moving on, it's now Saturday and I'm now waiting for our first volleyball match of the day)

When it comes to "team" there is no sport like football. It makes for a closeness among teammates, and on the staff, like no other sport does. You have to rely on others around you constantly and the trust which is built carries over to off-field relationships.

Last night, we had a lot of things to "discuss" after suffering a 50-point blowout. Yet, we could laugh about a lot of things, poke fun at each other and still leave at the end of the night feeling OK.

Knowing that you just got your ass handed to you, but coming out of it all feeling OK (maybe not great but OK) and knowing that things will get better should be a metaphor for life. It's one of those lessons that sports should really teach us, especially the kids, all about.

I've always said, if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh at anyone else. Being able to do that has me feeling better now, about football and about life.

Friday night lights, I love it!

A peaceful, easy feeling

2010-08-29T10:59:00.010-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was able to get away for 11 days, see friends and family, do some fishing and just get away and forget my troubles for a little while. I have to thank my friend J for much of it.

I posted a picture (above) I took of the sunset over Lake Superior from the cabin J was staying at back home. Our friend, L, is using the picture as her Facebook profile picture these days. I noticed it a short time ago and just seeing the picture made me feel very peaceful.

Although I have some great friends with whom I share some good times, this picture was taken on a night with very few people, two of whom I haven't seen in many years and their husbands, whom I'd never met. I was also with J and Walldo, and we just sat, talked, ate, drank and laughed our asses off. As you can tell from the picture, it was a beautiful evening and just a fun and relaxing night.

I look at that picture and realize how fortunate I am to have friends with whom I can spend that kind of time. When I'm having my bad days, I like to remember these times. It reminds me that the good times far outweigh the bad and that I have some of the greatest people in my life that anyone could ever have.

Time to make something happen

2010-06-28T10:12:00.003-05:00

"Well, you can wish in one hand and dump in the other and see which one fills up first." -- Grandpa Gustafson (Burgess Meredith) in Grumpy Old Men

That quote came into my head over the weekend and morphed into something larger on my two-mile run this morning, in conjunction with the song Right Now by Van Halen, which was running through my mind.

Lately, I seem to be wishing for a lot of things to be happening in my life but, I wonder, am I doing enough to make those things happen.

I once said, in a speech at a banquet "You can't necessarily do or be anything you want. But you'll never know if you don't try." It's advice, right now, that I need to take to heart.

I've been working towards some things but, in all honestly, probably not doing enough to make those things happen for me.

I was thinking, on my run this morning, that it took me way to long to get serious about losing weight but, once I did, I lost 130 pounds and am still losing more. I know I can do the things I want to right now, but I have to put more effort into doing those things, rather than wishing for them to happen.

So, with that, it's time go get after some things in life.

Right Now (Van Halen from For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge)
Don’t wanna wait til tomorrow,
Why put it off another day?
One more walk through problems,
Built up, and stand in our way, ah
One step ahead, one step behind
Now you gotta run to get even
Make future plans, don’t dream about yesterday, hey
C'mon turn, turn this thing around

Right now, hey
It’s your tomorrow
Right now,
C’mon, it’s everything
Right now,
Catch a magic moment, do it
Right here and now
It means everything

Miss the beat, you lose the rhythm,
And nothing falls into place, no
Only missed by a fraction,
Slipped a little off your pace, oh,
The more things you get, the more you want,
Just trade in one for the other,
Workin so hard, to make it easy, whoa,
Got to turn, c’mon turn this thing around

Right now, hey
It’s your tomorrow
Right now,
C’mon, it’s everything
Right now,
Catch that magic moment, do it
Right here and now
It means everything
It’s enlightened me, right now
What are you waitin for
Oh, yeah, right now

Right now, hey
It’s your tomorrow
Right now,
C’mon, it’s everything
Right now,
Catch that magic moment, and do it right,
Right now
Right now, oh, right now

It’s what’s happening?
Right here and now
Right now
It’s right now
Oh,
Tell me, what are you waiting for
Turn this thing around

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

2010-06-04T22:14:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's a great song by U2 but I've been wondering about it for the last couple of days. More to the point, I've been wondering about what I've been looking for.

Professionally, I'm not sure what I want to do. I once thought a career in sports, basically in media relations, would be my life. It may still be where I'm headed again, but I got burned out on it about a decade ago. However, I miss the people and I've still stayed close to sports and maintained my contacts.

Life revolves around sports still and, it seems, it always has. I've found other passions -- hunting, fishing, good beer -- but things always seem to come back to sports. I recently came back from my annual fishing trip, our 21st annual trip (God, where does the time go?) and had a wonderful time as always. The time spent with my best friends is always great but it was coupled with the best fishing we've had in those 21 years.

I came home only to have my high school baseball team, seeded second in the section, lose its first playoff game and the season came to an abrupt end. I've been in a bit of a funk for the last three days because of it. This year's team was one of the best groups of kids I've ever had to work with and I'm looking forward to the Legion season getting underway this weekend.

I went most of the winter without a hockey team to work with and that was really hard. Anyone who has read my blog posts, knows I was struggling with some issues earlier this year and not having games to prepare for, to work, a team to be with, was a part of those issues. It gave me too much time to dwell on things rather than just plowing ahead and getting things done like I usually do.

The other thing I had issues with was relationship issues, or lack thereof. In that regard, I really don't know what I'm looking. I mentioned that to J the other day, that I didn't know what I was looking for. Along those lines, it seems J reads me better than I do myself. I'm thinking I may need to talk to J to see if she has any advice for me and if I can find any answers along those lines.

I've always let my professional life rule over everything else in life. However, without much in the way of a job, I've found myself wondering what I may have missed in life and what I still want.

I had some good conversations with my two best friends while I was fishing. They both made me look at, and think about, some things a little differently than I have been. If there's one thing in life I don't have to look for it's better friends.

I don't have answers to the questions I have. I don't even know if I'm asking the right questions. I know I'm looking for something but I don't yet know what that is, but I hope to have some answers soon. My friends give me peace of mind and the belief that I will find what I'm looking for.

Northern Wisconsin is paradise

2010-05-27T13:26:00.007-05:00

As I sit here, waiting for my old friend Steve to join me for lunch at the Little Musky Bar in Arbor Vitae, Wis., I can't help but reminisce a little.

Having grown up in Northern Wisconsin, I always have a love for this area and my homeland, which I usually refer to simply as "The Great State."

First off, for someone who loves the outdoors as much as I do, how can you not love this area. The hunting and fishing this area, and the entire state, offers is incredible. That love of hunting and fishing is not restricted to the taking of game either.

In fact, I'm perfectly content to not shoot or catch anything. A lot of my friends in the Twin Cities and elsewhere have never experienced a loon flying 10 feet overhead, an eagle swooping to pick up a fish within yards of the boat, the sight of a doe gently leading her new-born fawn out of the woods for the first time.

I cannot begin to explain how serene, how much at peace I am, to be up here. My lunch date is the managing editor of Musky Hunter Magazine and responsible for teaching me how to fish for muskies 25 years ago. I would have to write for days to explain how profound that has turned out to be in my life. This trip, in large part, has cemented the closest friendships I have in this world and, for that, I am grateful.

In a few hours, the rest of the boys will arrive for the 21st annual gathering of The Silver Dollar Musky Club. The Trip XXI will be exceptional, even if no fish are caught. To Joe, Bob, Marko and Boli, I thank you for the opportunity to get together every year, for your sometimes infinite patience with my gaffs, and your undying friendship.

You've Got A Friend

2010-03-15T13:25:00.005-05:00

"When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand,
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights."

You've Got A Friend -- James Taylor

I guess I found that out this weekend. Without the resources to go visit friends recently, one of my best friends went out of the way to come visit me, bring me to see some family and other friends, and, essentially, show me how good of a friend they really are when I need to be picked up.

Without a doubt, J had a lot of fun at the St. Patrick's Day party we attended but didn't want to go alone. However spending an extra eight hours of driving to do it with me, paying for most of my weekend and, in general seeing that I enjoyed myself, is a lot for any friend to do.

J told me that driving here was also an opportunity to see some others friends and pick up some things that aren't available back home. But I think it was also J checking to see if I was doing OK. We had a long talk last week and I was able to talk about some issues I was having with J and, even after that, I was shown the greatness of our friendship.

I always think of others before myself. It's one of the issues I've had with J because I don't see that very often with J. In fact, J looks out for number one a lot without realizing, or seeming to care, how it affects others. This week, though, J looked out for me. There was no reward in J's actions this weekend. It was just a friend who came and looked out for me when I needed a friend. The time J spent on me this weekend is worth much more than money.

Sometimes, when wallowing in a bit of doubt and self pity, I forget about these things. I really need to thank J for reminding me of that, for being such a good friend and for many other things that go beyond just this past week.

That thanks goes out to a number of my friends who are there for me when I need them. Thanks go them and one especially good and close friend. J, you really are a bestie.

The Road is Long

2010-03-06T14:28:00.004-06:00

For the first time in, God only knows how long, I ran a mile and a half on the road today. I've done that and longer on the treadmill but, for those of you who run on both, you know there's a vast difference.

The kicker is that I did it in under 18 minutes. That's not a great time by any means. However, when you weight around 260, and you look back two years and realize you weighed 380 pounds and would be worn out by walking a few blocks, well, it's a long way to have come.

Especially when I got on the scale after getting back and it read 257.8. A few weeks back, I had gotten down to 259.6 but had a birthday party that weekend and my dietary habits weren't good and I was back up to 265 the following week.

I've been eating better the last weeks or so but I also took three days off any kind of workouts and had more than a few beers since my last weigh in and I was hoping I hadn't gone up from that 265. Needless to say, it was a pleasant surprise and was a much-needed boost to my emotions.

I just read on a friend's blog that he's finally found a job and I'm happy for him. I love Titus and his family and I know it's been a little bit of a strain, so I'm going to have a beer to salute him.

I also chatted this morning with another friend of mine who had a good interview yesterday and feels strongly she'll get the job she's after.

That news gives me renewed hope that there is something out there for me and that perserverance will, in the end, pay off.

Right now, I feel good. It may be a long road but I'll enjoy what I can, I'll learn from what I can't enjoy and I'll take it all as it comes.

One and a half miles. Just 2,640 yards. Driving my truck I can cover that distance in 90 seconds. It doesn't seem that far. But the road back to where I once was is long.

I'll Keep Searching

2010-03-04T19:52:00.003-06:00

Whatever happened,
I don't understand.
These feelings I have
Are beyond my command.

I cannot think,
I can barely function.
These thoughts of mine
Form a new emotion.

I find that my mind,
It goes off to wander.
This whole process
Now makes me ponder.

The answers won't come,
They're so far away.
Despite my best efforts
Both night and day.

But I'll keep searching,
I'll look high and low.
Someday I hope
The answers I'll know.

Hope

2010-02-22T13:53:00.006-06:00

What is hope?

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines hope as "1: to desire with expectation of obtainment. 2: to expect with confidence."

Well, I hope for a lot of things. However, hope alone is not enough. Many things we hope for in life don't come to fruition. Hope is often a word used in place of I want.

To have hope, one has to have reason to expect the result they want. Personally, I hope for a number of things. I hope for a job. I hope my relationship issues end soon and well. I hope my living situation is resolved soon.

Am I doing enough to have hope that those things happen? I guess that's something I'm asking of myself these days. I had a long talk with J last night and, even if I didn't come away from that talk with any answers, I felt better about somethings. In J, I've got a friend whom I feel I can talk to about anything and, for anyone who doesn't have someone in their life like that (and I didn't for years), you're missing out on one of the greatest part of friendships because, friends like J, can give you reason to hope.

In the movie Shawshank Redemption, Red says to Andy "Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

If you're not will do something to what needs to be done to give yourself hope, it surely can drive you insane. However, for anyone who constantly strives for results, for the betterment of themselves or their lot in life, hope will carry them through the hardest of times.

I think of my friend, L, when I think this thought. I know L has been through quite a bit in life but seems to keep striving for things to be better. Putting family ahead of self desires. Definitely an example for me to follow and one which, when I take a long, hard look at, I fall short of at times.

In a letter to Red at the end of Shawshank Redemption, Andy writes "Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Hope. As long as I have hope, I can keep going. I realize I have to do more but I have the desire, the love and support of family and friends, and I won't let hope die.

Hope, We Shot the Moon

Hope it's all that I have
The calm in the storm
Is right where I am
Inside of hope
It's all that I know
It's what I'm moved for
It's what I live for

Wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything

I'm ready to live
I'm ready to dream
I'm ready for fear, and love and everything between

Don't tell me I'm right
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Just tell me I'm strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I'm going for broke, but I've got hope

The sound it's all around
And we can be found
All in good time.
I'm forgiving yesterday
Wishing yesterday would forgive me, but I'll never see

So wave goodbye to a time
That you once believed was everything

I'm ready to live
I'm ready to dream
I'm ready for fear, love and everything between

Don't tell me I'm right
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Just tell me I'm strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I'm going for broke, but I've got hope

I'm ready to live, I live for hope.
I'm ready to live, I live for hope.

I'm ready to live
I'm ready to dream
I'm ready for fear, love and everything between

Don't tell me I'm right
Don't tell me I'm wrong
Just tell me I'm strong enough for one more song
And this could be the one to say it right
Bringing warmth into the night
I'm going for broke, but I've got hope
Yeah, I've got hope

Promised Land

2010-02-16T14:42:00.003-06:00

I had two thoughts while getting in my treadmill workout today.

The first was that my goal for the day was to get in two miles in 25 minutes. As I transitioned from my short walk for a warmup into a slow jog, I thought that back in high school I could run two miles on the track in under 11 minutes. Of course, that was 25 years ago and, even though I've droped 120 pounds, I'm still 85 pounds over my playing weight from back in the day.

Still, I found myself slowly plodding along. Carrying 260 pounds isn't easy on the legs and after about a mile and a quarter, I had to drop back to walking speed and only got in about 1.85 miles in 25 minutes. I walked until I hit the 30-minute mark and, all-in-all, it was a decent workout. I may even get back on tonight or even go out for a walk.

As I was plodding along, at one time thinking "One foot in front of the other," I came upon my second thought which was about where I'm at in life.

Anyone who has a job these days, I hope, is thankful. Anyone who is without one, like me, knows the frustration of trying to find one right now. The anxiety that goes with wondering if you can make it to your next paycheck, and wondering when and from where that paycheck is coming.

While I was pondering a lot of this, Bruce Springsteen's Promised Land came up on the playlist. Like name of the album from which the song comes, Darkness on the Edge of Town, I often feel like I'm in the dark these days but on the edge of something where there is light and hope.

I like to think, as Bruce wrote, "I've done my best to live the right way. I get up every morning and go to work each day." It's frustrating, to say the least and yes, "...your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold. Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode."

But, if there's one thing I pride myself on it's that I understand taking the long view of things and that, sometimes, you've got to keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other until you reach that goal.

It's a hard thing for anyone who has gone through a similar experience, or any experience in life which causes, angst, heartache, etc. However, without the will and determination to move on, you will never get to where you want to go.

And I keep telling myself that I believe in a Promised Land.

Promised Land, Bruce Springsteen
On a rattlesnake speedway in the Utah desert
I pick up my money and head back into town
Driving cross the Waynesboro county line
I got the radio on and I'm just killing time
Working all day in my daddy's garage
Driving all night chasing some mirage
Pretty soon little girl I'm gonna take charge

The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land

I've done my best to live the right way
I get up every morning and go to work each day
But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold
Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this whole town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start

The dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land

Well there's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted

Well the dogs on Main Street howl
'cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister I ain't a boy, no I'm a man
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land
And I believe in a promised land...

Friendship

2010-02-14T00:17:00.002-06:00

"The reward of friendship is itself. The man who hopes for anything else does not understand what true friendship is." -- St. Alfred of Rievaulx

"The way to make a true friend is to be one. Friendship implies loyalty, esteem, cordiality, sympathy, affection, readiness to aid, to help, to stick, to fight for, if need be.... Radiate friendship and it will return sevenfold." -- B.C. Forbes

"Friendship has splendor that love knows not. It grows stronger when crossed, whereas obstacles kill love. Friendship resists time, which wearies and severs couples. It has heights unknown to love." -- Mariama Ba

"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship." -- St. Thomas Aquinas

"True friendship ought never to conceal what it thinks." -- St. Jerome

"Friendship, like money, is a trust, a stewardship, a responsibility." -- William A. Ward

"I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship." -- Pietro Arentino

I like that last quote the best and I've used often over the years. However, it hasn't been until recently that I've delved into my friendships and what they really, deep down, mean to me.

I consider myself fortunate in that I seem to have quite a few friends who care a great deal about me. I've always considered myself the type of person who will be there for my friends, to lend them any help that I possibly can.

On the flip side of the coin, I am not one to reach out to my friends for help. In fact, I often shun help at times when I need it most and, at times, shut myself off the rest of the world, especially when I need help emotionally.

When it comes to the world of sports, which both my personal and professional life pretty much revolve around, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's not hard to tell what I'm thinking or what's going on with me when I'm on the field or at the arena.

However, away from the games, I tend to be much more reserved emotionally. I will always put on a smile and have a laugh ready, even on days when I'm pissed off or depressed.

Of late, I've found three of my friends, all women, to be of great help. Without a doubt, my closest friends are all guys. They've proven their friendship to me time and time again by being there for me when I've need it. However, talking about my problems with them is something I've never been comfortable about doing. Why is that? Well, the answers are probably many and varied. I've considered the reasons and realize, especially now, that most of them are irrational.

However, these three ladies, J, L and KB, have proven their friendship to me as well. They have taken the time to listen to me, to console me, to help me come up with some of the answers I'm looking for.

Is my mental frame of mind well these days? No, not really. Does it seem to be getting better? Marginally. J told me many months ago that every guy needs a female friend he can talk to and, especially now, I couldn't agree more.

Someday, once again, everything in my life will be moving in the right direction and all will be well. I'm not there yet but I'm confident I will be. I still need to work out some problems but I know I have some good people who will lend an ear, lend their heart, lend their caring and concern to help me find what I'm looking for and to get where I need to go.

To all my friends, I say thank you for all you do. To J, L and KB, what your inspiration, your caring and concern, your love and your friendship means to me is something I can never adequately thank you for. I'm sure I will be leaning on you more in near future and only hope that you can continue to support me. Please know, I will always be there to do the same.

Finding Answers

2010-02-09T10:23:00.003-06:00

I've been writing this blog to get some of my thoughts out and hoping to spur my writing in my personal journal. I'm looking for some answers and think I'm finally finding some.

I got a call from a friend of mine last night who knew I was struggling with some issues. I've told this friend before that their thoughts often make me contemplate things that I don't otherwise think about. I told this friend a number of things I was struggling with last night but not one of my major issues, because it concerned this friend.

When I woke up this morning, I felt pretty good and had some ideas for my journal. As I began writing and editing some previous thoughts, a few answers started to come to me.

I don't feel better about where I'm at right now, but I feel better about where I'm going, because I think I know what I have to do and on what I have to focus.

Even if no one reads what I have to say, I'm finding it a cathartic exercise because it gets me thinking. I've said before that I realize I overthink things at times, but sometimes you have to dig deep to come up with answers and this is one of those times. I realize that when I start going in a downward spiral, it's time to stop thinking and move on to something else and, when I start coming up with ideas and answers, it's time to focus and delve deeper into what I'm doing.

In any case, I have a friend to thank for a talk last night that has made today, and my outlook on tomorrow, better.

Thanks!

Better Days, Bruce Springsteen

Well my soul checked out missing as I sat listening
To the hours and minutes tickin' away
Yeah, just sittin' around waitin' for my life to begin
While it was all just slippin' away.
I'm tired of waitin' for tomorrow to come
Or that train to come roarin' 'round the bend
I got a new suit of clothes a pretty red rose
And a woman I can call my friend

These are better days baby
Yeah there's better days shining through
These are better days baby
Better days with a girl like you

Well I took a piss at fortune's sweet kiss
It's like eatin' caviar and dirt
It's a sad funny ending to find yourself pretending
A rich man in a poor man's shirt
Now my ass was draggin' when from a passin' gypsy wagon
Your heart like a diamond shone
Tonight I'm layin' in your arms carvin' lucky charms
Out of these heard luck bones

These are better days baby
These are better days it's true
These are better days
There's better days shining through

Now a life of leisure and a pirate's treasure
Don't make much for tragedy
But it's a sad man my friend who's livin' in his own skin
And can't stand the company
Every fool's got a reason to feelin' sorry for himself
And turn his heart to stone
Tonight this fool's halfway to heaven and just a mile outta hell
And I feel like I'm comin' home

These are better days baby
There's better days shining through
These are better days
Better days with a girl like you

These are better days baby
These are better days it's true
These are better days
Better days are shining through

A Long Way

2010-02-07T16:36:00.003-06:00

I was just looking at my "Portraits of Self" photo album on my Facebook page. The first photo in the album is my mug shot from my first year working with College Hockey America in 2003. It's followed by one from 2006 and another in 2007.

In those years I weighed anywhere from 350-380. The other day, I got on the scale and it read 267 and that was fully clothed and at the end of the day. In reality, when I look at the last picture in that album, which was taken today, I realize how far I've come.

It's not been easy, when I think about it, but I really didn't think much about it along the way. However, 380 pounds, which was only two years ago, seems like a long time ago.

I'm proud of what I've done and how I've done it. I haven't used any programs, any fad diets, I've done it on my own, through hard work and will power. I'm not always good, as a friend of mine pointed out recently (and that friend wasn't being mean, that friend was showing what I believe was a genuine concern), but, in the sum, I've been pretty good. Maybe not great, but good.

I've put effort into it by working out more over the last eight months. It felt good when my baseball players not only encouraged me, but some would often come out to run with me. Most made sure I knew that they were impressed to see me doing what I was doing and, if inspiring others is part of what I'm doing, then so much the better.

I also look at how far I've come, personally, in the last year, 10 months really. That same friend who questioned my some of my choices and habits, has changed me a great deal. In a few ways, in ways I'm not sure if I like. In a lot of ways, I've been changed for the better. I try to think about things more begore I say or do something. I wrote in an earlier blog about how this, at times, handicaps me. However, I think it's been good for my temper because I do stop before taking action, which in some cases may be ill-advised.

I've come a long way in a short time. I'm still not where I need to go but I'm on a journey. What's a the end of that journey remains to be seen but, so far, the trip has been good and will, hopefully, get better.

Here's to Today

2010-02-06T05:27:00.003-06:00

"I walked in today at 7 o'clock in the morning and saw the dew on the outfield grass and, you know, man, there's nothing like a baseball field when no one's on it. It's like such a peaceful sight. You can't forget these times."

Kevin Millar of the Boston Red Sox made that statement and I find it hard to argue. I love baseball and today I get to see my first games of the year. Now Kevin might not have made that statement had the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome been his home field instead of Fenway Park, but the Dome allows teams here in Minnesota to start playing games in early February.

Today, I go to see St. Cloud State, which features one of my former players. I always enjoy seeing guys whom I worked with move on to play at the next level and BK has done OK with the Huskies. He was second on the team in appearances last season, had an 0.96 earned run average and, this season, is expected to be the team's closer.

I'm making myself a promise to lay off the licorice this baseball. Normally, you can find me with Twizzlers and sunflower seeds at a ball game. After stepping on the scale last night, and being pleasantly surprised that I was down to 267, it would pain me to go back to my old bad habits. For those of you who think 267 is pretty heavy; you're right, it is. However, it's also about 110 pounds less than what I weighed two years ago and about 70 pounds less than what I weighed just one year ago.

Baseball was good to me in that respect last year in that I had an outlet for exercising and motivation to keep after what I was doing. When I started running foul poles before and after games last season, some of our pitchers started running with me and the players all encouraged me. It's no wonder why last year's baseball team was one of my favorites, in any sport, to work with.

So, as it approaches 6 a.m., I find myself wide awake and ready to go. I'll also go see some hockey later in the day and get to see my sister, brother-in-law and niece tonight so it will be a good day. With the other stresses going on in life right now, this day is one that is needed and will be appreciated.

Implications

2010-02-05T11:14:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine recently pointed out that I worry about too much before anything actually happens. I don't deny that. At the same time, I believe in being prepared for any and all eventualities, so I don't consider a bad thing. The way she said it to me, however, and a couple of other things she said were hurtful which, considering that I consider her a close friend and love her dearly, made it that much worse.

But I also have to take into account what, I think, she meant. Sometimes I let this thoughts occupy too much of my time to the point it handicaps me. I think "Am I making the right decision."

I guess, in a lot of situations, I'm out of my element. Put me on the baseball field, behind the hockey bench, in the press box, what have you, and I'll pull the trigger on a decision quicker than I would on a turkey picking through a pile of cow manure for corn at 20 yards. Believe me, it's pretty quick.

In the world of sports, I am in my element. Right or wrong, I'll make a decision because I'm rarely present with a situation I'm unfamiliar or uncomfortable with.

Yet, I often find myself over-analyzing a lot of other decisions these days in everyday life. I'm pondering questions and looking for answers that I can't seem to find and don't want to wait for them to come. I want to pull the trigger and do some things and say some things that may or may not be the right things.

I guess I'll have to wait for the answers and rely, as I always have, on my friends to catch me if I fall for, even though I often feel alone in this world, I know my friends are there for me.

Overkill (Colin Hay)
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

Good News, Bad News

2010-02-04T21:05:00.006-06:00

I guess I have to start with the bad news. I received a rejection letter regarding a job I really thought I had a chance to at least get an interview for. In the letter, I was told they had received 35 applications. I'm a little pissed. I've done contract and freelance work for this place and that work has often been lauded the staff and by media members who use those services that I have helped provide.

The job hunt, which has really been going on for three years now, is frustrating. I can't help but wonder how much of it is the economy and how much is me. With the vast majority of my experience in athletic media relations and communications, I seem to be looked down upon by many HR people and head hunters when I look for work in the corporate world. Last spring, ene hiring manager told me that all my work in athletics really didn't fit their needs.

I asked what the job entailed. It was all stuff I have done over the past 20 years but, because it was athletics, it was different. Mind you, this was for a job with a high school. I've worked with high schools and/or colleges since 1986. I asked what background some of the other people had and, not surprisingly, they came from the corporate world. Only one had ever worked with a school. I brought this up, that I had worked in an education system but it was to no avail.

I got a good pep talk about this from my buddy, The Kicker, who's done OK for himself. I hadn't seen him in about a decade but reconnected with him via Facebook. We had lunch as I was passing through his town and we came upon this subject, one which he quickly warmed to.

He said "The next time that comes up ask them why they wouldn't want us (he was an All-American kicker on the football team in college). We know what it takes to be part of a team, how to work with others to succeed. We know how to put that team together and make it successful. We know this better than anyone else because we've lived it and then you ask them why they would want anyone else." Well, that my not be the exact quote, it was three months ago, but it's the essence of what he said.

I don't like to brag but I can say I know about success. I own three national championship rings from college and have been a part of championship teams/organizations as an athlete, coach and administrator. The Kicker picked me up that day and I'm still keeping that thought in mind.

The good news of the day is that I channeled this disappointment, along with some other issues, into a great workout on the treadmill. Again, this is where music helps me a lot. I've put together a playlist of songs for my running and my only concern is that I get so pumped that I start outpacing myself. At 280 pounds, and just getting back into a workout routine after about six weeks off, my legs are a little sore right now but tomorrow I walk and do some core strength conditioning so I'll recover.

I end this blog with a few lines from Cold Play's Speed of Sound:

Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Inspirations

2010-02-04T10:26:00.000-06:00

I was just reading the early blog posts from my friend who inspired me to start this blog. I have to say that I wish I could put myself out there like my friend. I feel a lot of the same things, have many similar fears and feel anxious about what the future holds. My friend and I are both committed to blogging right now and I hope we both continue on a regular basis, even if it's not on a daily basis, at least regular enough to examine our feelings and find what we are looking for in our lives.

Other than a regular job, I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now and, in part, I decided to start blogging in hopes of finding some answers for myself. Whether that will come to fruition remains to be seen. However, hope springs eternal.

I'm not a creative writer, something my friend is and I wish I could be. My writing style is very technical in nature and, to that extent, I'm looking for inspiration. My friend has inspired me to start writing, well, at least blogging. I have 14 pages of what amounts to a journal just working on one issue in my life. It may help resolve some other issues but the main focus takes up much of my thoughts. My friend could probably help me sort through that main issue but this friend has other issues of greater importance than my problems. If anyone ever sees my journal, it would be L, because L would understand.

I've always worked through my own problems and, for many years it was easier to do knowing I had my mom for support. She couldn't give my sisters and I everything we wanted, but she gave us what we needed. I cannot image a kinder, gentler or more caring person than her. Since my mom passed, I can reflect and see that I've had greater problems dealing with my issues but none more so than in recent months. I had never visited her grave, after her passing just over nine years ago, until this past year. I've been there three times and all three times I've cried, but come away feeling better. She, too, is an inspiration and still an influence.

So, to my mother, thank you for all you ever did for me. You did a great job of raising three kids and I don't think I ever told you how much I truly loved you and admired you for what you did.

To L, I hope to see you again soon. I'm finding that I feel a lot of what you have felt over the years and exploring those feelings may help. Reading your outpourings of feelings is cathartic and I really hope we can, someday, discuss these things at length. I now feel like I'm on a journey. Where it will lead, where it will take me and where it will end are all unknowns. But I'm on my way.

I need some music right now. This is a song that, after seeing my mom for the last time, I listened to over and over for two-plus hours on the drive home. It speaks to me of how hard it is to say goodbye.

http://www.last.fm/music/John+Mellencamp/_/Farewell+Angelina

In the upper right corner of this page is a tool bar and you can press the play button to listen to the song. To my knowledge, no video of it is available.

Teaching and Touching a Life

2010-02-03T10:08:00.001-06:00

When I went into the kitchen this morning, I noticed a magnet on the refrigerator. It's an apple which says "To teach is to touch a life forever."

Since I work with high school sports, and my entire adult life has been working with either high school or collegiate athletics, I obviously come in contact with a lot of young people. Seeing that magnet made me reflect.

Recently, one of my former baseball players called me to talk about transferring schools. He is a sophomore in college this year and hates the school he's attending, but loves his team and his teammates. The college he's at is a small liberal arts college where I always thought he would struggle to fit in. The school attracts kids from all over the country but not a lot of locals and I knew he wouldn't have a lot in common with the majority of the other students. However, it's kind of a family thing for him to attend this school and, academically, it has a great reputation.

In any case, he wanted my advice on what to do. We talked for about 30 minutes and we've spoken and chatted on Facebook book a few other times about this. I was visiting with a friend when he called and, after he and I said goodbye and that we'd talk again, I sat down with my friend and was asked about the conversation.

I told my friend what was going on and about the advice I had given. During our conversation, we got around to why he was coming to me for advice. Well, the easy answer was that he knows I've been around college sports, understand transfer rules and know the coaches at his current school and the school to which he is looking to transfer. However, I also realize he's coming to me for advice because he trusts and respects me. I can only hope that my advice helps. It's obvious that, at least in a small way, I've touched his life.

This train of thought has also made me think of one other student-athlete whom I coached in hockey and baseball almost 20 years ago. When I first got to the school in the fall of 1990, I asked about the big defenseman we had and was told if he didn't make the team it would be because he was trouble off the ice. He had been in a boys boot camp and had troubles both within and without the school.

As far as I was concerned, he had a clean slate with me. Admittedly, I would probably tolerate a lot less from him than others but I took him on with an open mind. Over the two years (his sophomore and junior years) I worked with him, I had few problems with him. He had a temper which he needed to control, which I could relate to, but I was able to relate with him on his level when I needed to, and on my level when I needed to. There were times I ripped the kid up and down, and times when I sat him down and told him calmly and patiently why what he did was wrong. I also felt that I treated him fairly and honestly.

Seven or eight years later, I ran into him at a hockey game. I was happy to see him and happier to hear that he had a job he liked, a wife and kid, and that he seemed happy with his life. We joked around for a while and then he got serious and told me that I was the only person during high school who had showed any interest in helping him. He said that even when I yelled at him, it was different from others in that I always seemed to have a point to make. He told me without sports, he probably would have dropped out of school but that I gave him a chance that no one else probably would have, and he told me that had a lasting effect on him.

I'd like to think that I've touched the lives of more than just those two, and I'm friends with kids I coached when I was in my early to mid 20's, who are really only seven or eight years younger than I. But, at times when things in my life aren't going as well as I would like, I can think back on things like this and realize that, yes, I've touched a life in a positive and lasting manner.

The feeling I get, knowing I've done something good, is a great reward. For the rest of today, at least, I will carry that feeling and hope I can do more.

It's a Start

2010-02-02T10:54:00.000-06:00

I need to thank my friend from Pennsylvania for getting me started on this. I've been doing some writing lately just to help resolve some issues I'm having and it seems to have helped, even if I don't quite have any answers yet.

However, I've always been a writer, mostly of sports, and I enjoy it. This will be a new type of writing. I've become a Facebook (Crackbook, as some of us call it) addict and it's a great way to keep in touch with friends and I've reconnected with many people who had fallen out of my life.

Facebook, though, doesn't really allow for you to expound much on your thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc., whereas a blog does. After reading my friend's first blog post in two years, I thought, I should do this too.

In the past 18 months, I've dropped 100 pounds and some of that was due to a mutual friend of ours who made me realize that the only reason I wasn't taking better care of myself was because it was easy to make excuses. These two wonderful ladies are people I've reconnected with via Facebook and their influences on me have been great. I cannot thank them enough for their friendship and their concern and core for me.

With that said, I'll give you my two cents (if it's worth that much) and hope that, at times, it will make you think about things, or at least bring a smile or a laugh to your day.